Flying Cars
by iichan
Summary: Heero and Duo sit alone in a little café, having a conversation that only Duo could pull off…
1. Flying Cars

"It's times like this that it occurs to me that we were lied to by the Jetsons."

"What are you talking about?"

"According to that show we were supposed to be **tooling** around in flying cars by now."

"Yeah, well, most of us **rational **thinkers weren't _banking_ on some cartoon to give us a viable glimpse into the future of technological development."

"Hey… What would you be able to trade for the flying car?"

"What do you mean?"

"Say some German scientist comes up to you and says: 'I HAVE invented the flying car! I'll give it to **YOU** on one condition.'"

"Well, what's the condition?"

"He's not going to tell you."

"Then it's NO deal."

"The GUY is offering you the FLYING CAR, you know, like a gift horse in the mouth. Just TAKE the car, man!"

"Not until I know what the catch is!"

"FINE! The catch is you have to cut off a foot."

"Pfft. No way!"

"Are you saying you wouldn't cut off your foot for the **flying car**? You're that selfish…"

"ITS MY **FOOT**! How am I supposed to walk?"

"**What **walk? You'll have the flying car. After that, you can buy like, fifty, prosthetic feet."

"W-which foot? Right or Left?"

"Your choice."

"OKAY… I'll trade my.. left foot for the flying car."

"So it's a deal then, your foot for the flying car… You're sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure"

"You can't welch."

"I won't welch!"

"Because the **whole **world is counting on you."

"What the hell kind of scientist is this guy anyway?"

"One with a lot of free time on his hands. And a foot fetish."

"…"

"SOO… Then what happens is that you find out the guy is going to take off your foot with a hacksaw..."

"**WHAT!**"

"and no anesthetic."

"oh **screw that!"**

"Come ON. Its part of the deal!"

"You didn't say that before!"

"Come ON! It only hurts when they're taking the foot off. After that they'll use a local on your stub and cauterize the wound."

"WHY can't I have the local BEFORE he cuts it off?"

"BECAUSE. **HE **is a sick degenerate who likes to inflict pain."

"**You **said he was a man of **science.**"

"You don't think Einstein enjoyed hacking guys feet off? But nobody said anything because he was one of the greatest thinkers of our time. But COME ON man take the hit for the team. It's a few seconds of pain for a lifetime of riches and zero traffic."

"FIINE. As long as I get the local as soon as he's done cutting."

"So you **want** the local?"

"Who am I? The Marquis Desod? **YES **I want the local!"

"alright…"

"Why'd you say it like that for?"

"I-it's just that the local he gives you knocks you out. And when you're out he… niddles your peeni."

"**OH **COME ON!"

"Hey." (said in an amused snort) "man you made the deal."

"To trade my foot for the **flying car. **Not to be, tortured and molested by some German scientist."

"and his friends."

"WHAT!"

"Its just that when he's done with you, he gives his friends a shot at you too."

"Deal's off!"

"What are you, some kind of homophobe?"

"NNOoo. I just don't want to be diddled by some German scientist and his friend _after_they've hacked my foot off!"

"Need I remind you this is for **the flying car**?"

"It ain't worth it!"

"See. **You're** what's wrong with this country, _hell,_ with this world. You're always thinking about your own comfort level, never thinking about the rest of us. And you'll forever be remembered as the _sad _foot note in the book of life. The _whimpy_ little scumbag, who could have breached the chasm of becoming, and being, but opted instead to cover his own ass, and foot, in the process."

"ALL RIGHT! I'll Go. Through. With the deal… I'll let the German scientist hack my foot off, then him and his friends can have their way with me. All for the **FLYING CAR**."

"You'd do it with a bunch of guys just to get a car?"

Duo leaves the change on the table as he moves to leave. Shaking his head, sighing, and saying softly:

"I thought I knew you man…"

Disclaimer:

I do not own Gundam Wing, nor did I create the dialogue… I just heard this music video one too many times. That, and I could just picture Heero and Duo sitting in a café having this particular conversation.


	2. Duo in denial

After a particularly hard mission, Heero Duo and Wufei decide to relax at the Winner mansion. It was late in the afternoon when Duo spotted Wufei wandering around the halls and muttering to himself.

"I always knew that Quatre kid was gay." As Wufei said that, Duo got into his face and started yelling.

"Quatre is. **NOT**. gay!" pause "Just because a boy is cute, and he likes to wear a dress and make-up, and enjoys the finer plot points of yaoi. That does not make him gay." Duo practically screamed.

"Ah, come **on**, he spent in bed with Trowa all night long!"

"Your. Point. Being?" Duo started to get teary eyed, "Haven't you ever crawled in to bed naked with your best friend that was platonically adjacent and just talk the night away?"

Duo's eyes hardened into a glare and similarly his voice grew threatening, "Trowa was still under the influence of the Zero system, so it doesn't count."

Duo's voice gets all dreamy, "Oh I wouldn't mind giving him a nice sensual back massage…"

"If by that you mean have sex with him," countered Wufei.

"Hey. It takes a man very comfortable with his heterosexuality to have sex with another man!"

…

Disclaimer:

Yet again that was not my dialogue, it was all pretty much copied from "This is Otakudom." "This is Otakudom" is THE funiest fanparody EVER. It was produced by Martin Cinemacher. Good luck trying to find it online…and I still don't own GW. **AND:** I know that relying heavily on quoted materials for my stories may lead some to believe that I am violating the 'guidelines' for this website, but be assured that I have thoroughly read them before I posted. The biggest concern is this one: Actions not allowed: Copying from a previously published work (including musical lyrics) not in the public domain. This chapter, I know for a fact is not copy-righted. The first chapter, I got from a music video that is not copy righted, and until I posted had NO idea what the original source was. Public domainnon copyrighted so, I figured that I was safe on this account. Plagiarism is copying without giving proper credit, and I have. So I just want to say that I believe that, even though this may not be the most original of fanfics (understatement) this story has every right to be on have decided to keep this fanfic going for a little longer, probably a perpetually ongoing sort of thing, you know, whenever something strikes me as particularly funny.

Thank you for reviewing, it makes me less inclined to procrastinate. Though I still feel bad that this fanfiction is not very original, I hope that others will enjoy the conversations and understand where I am coming from.


	3. Aishiteru

After a lot of lectures from the other pilots, Heero attempts to carry a simple conversation:

He decided to start his day with a phone call to Relena.

"Hi Relena. Would you like to go to the movies with me?"

"STOP SMOTHERING ME!"

The look she sends over the vid phone is enough for him to feel like she just ripped his heart out and is beating him with it. He quickly hangs up the phone feeling that she would just as soon rip off his skin and decapitate hims, than to have anything to do with him.

Next, he calls Hilde. She seems nice enough, right?

"Hi, Hilde. How are you today?"

"I NEED MY SPACE!"

For the second time that day, he felt the malicous glare of a female. This time he could almost see actually contemplating skinning him alive and then pouring salt in the wound. Dejected, he moved on with his life.

Heero walks into preventer's headquarters, feeling a bit ashamed at failing to carry on a basic conversation. As he was heading over to his desk he saw Une, and decides to have another try at this whole 'conversation' thing.

"Hello Une, I like your shoes."

"I JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS."

He had just metaphorically gotten his head chewed off. He had a feeling that at the moment, she would even relish in the though of disposing his body in several interesting ways.

Later that day, he passed Noin on his way to the infirmary for a check-up.

"Hi, Noin. What time is it?"

She just takes her gun out and starts threatening him to back off.

Still confused as to what he did to upset Noin, he makes it to Sally's office.

"Hi Sally."

"NO MEANS NO YOU BASTARD!"

Heero feels as though he has been run through several times, with a rather large sword.

Heading back to his desk after his physical, and sees the tale-tell sign of a chestnut braid down the hallway. Almost cringing, not knowing what he has been saying wrong all day, he walks over to Duo.

"I have money"

Duo looks confused for a moment, but not wanting to discourage his friend from attempting to be social he adopts a look of pure relief.

"I love you!"

A/N

And THAT is definitely one advantage to being gay: no dealing with PMS.

That reminds me of a lame-ass joke a friend told me once, it goes like this:

"Why do they call a woman's menstrual cycle PMS?"

"Why?"

"Because 'Mad Cow' was already taken."

See? really lame-ass….

This chapter is a story borrowed from Don Hertzfeldt "A'lamour" the video can be viewed online.


	4. Nubs

Trieze, Zechs, Noin and Une were all in the mess hall of the academy enjoying lunch. When Mueller sauntered over, looking like the little shit he was, in order to greet them.

"Hey Une! If you had no feet would you still wear socks?"

Une had a distinct feeling this man had a joke waiting that she would not enjoy, so she decided not to cooperate.

"Yes."

"No, you're supossed to say no."

"But my nubs would get cold..."

Sighing he turned to Noin and asked the same question. She rolled her eyes and said the desired answer of "no."

"So then why do you wear a bra?"

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing, and the conversation was between friends…


	5. Part 1 o' 2

Heero held Duo in his arms after their latest bout of love-making. He felt his lover thinking, but hesitated to ask, for he knew perfectly well he wouldn't be able to say "no" to whatever his lover asked of him.

Duo lifted his head so that he could look into his lover's eyes.

"koibito?"

Heero internally cringed, his lover only used THAT pet name when asking permission put REALLY far-fetched schemes into motion. He, however, was not one to vocalize his internal feelings so all of his internal stuggling came out as a husky:

"hmm?"

"I was just thinking…. Wufei really needs to get over his homophobic ways and enjoy life…"

Again, a small voice in his head was yelling at him to be more alert, but the rest was still recovering from their mind-blowing sex. So instead of the usual remark of "WHAT?" or "You're CRAZY." or even "NO." The words to leave Heero's lips were:

"Sou desu ne. nandemo hougaii desu."

"Thanks, Heero, I promise you won't regret this!"

Heero seriously doubted that…

A/N

Last time on time on "Flying cars." Duo proposed something asinine.

Will Heero regret it?

find out next time on "Flying Cars."

:Electric guitar blares in the background."

Sorry. A DBZ impression seemed so appropriate…

More to be coming soon.

Now for a little bit of a Japanese lesson that nobody will remember:

Koibito means lover(boyfriend or girlfriend). literally: love + person. The Japanese have an actual term of endurment that they naturally use. "Anata" would actually be the most appropriate word to use for endearment, but it doesn't exactly translate very well into English. I mean, we english speakers don't usually go around calling our lovers "you," but whatever.

"Sou desu ne. nandemo houga ii desu." toiu no ha "Is that so? Anything you want." toiu no imi desu.


	6. Surprise Sex

Wufei was walking through the parking garage getting ready to head home for the evening. He heard someone running up from behind him, so he turned around to see what was going on. He saw that the heavy footfalls were coming from Duo, so he stopped right by his car to wait.

"Hey Wufei! I need your opinion on something…"

"What?"

Duo didn't answer as he turned around so that he could shuffle through the backback he was carrying.

"I just need to know" and then he sprang upon Wufei before the man knew what was happening to him, he had something covering his nose while Duo said outloud:

"If this smells like chloroform to you…"

Wufei slowly came around, before he opened his eyes he tried to get his bearings. His mind registered that he was laying on his back, and that he was currently in a "spread eagle" position. He was about to check to make sure that he was restrained, when a voice beckoned him to respond.

"Fei?.. Wuffers?… Time to get up, sleepy head.."

Wufei's eyes snapped open as he automatically responded with a

"MY NAME IS WUFEI." After that, however, his brain decided that it needed a few seconds process what the situation was.

The silence reigned as Wufei took in the fact that he was naked and bound to a bed.

"MAXWELL! What is the meaning of this?"

"Relax 'fei, you're going to enjoy this."

After having said that, he reached out to Wufei to touch him. Wufei tried to avoid the hand, but to no avail.

"STOP this Maxwell, I want nothing to do with this. Release me now, this is RAPE."

Sighing, Duo stopped touching Wufei for a split second while he made his response.

"Come now, 'fei, don't think of this as rape… think of it as: surprise sex."

Heero decided that it was time to make his presence known while Wufei was still staring at Duo like he had three heads. Walking behind his current lover, he placed a hand on Duo while smirking down at the helpless Wufei.

"Surprise!"


	7. HELLo

Quatre was half asleep in his lover's arms. Trowa was playing with his hair, and it felt **SO** good…

"Quatre, what's this bump on the side of you head?"

"Oh._ That_ ..just a childhood wound."

Trowa quirked his eyebrow at his lover in question.

"It's from my first skiing experience."

Trowa waited a few seconds for elaboration.

"My body said go this way. The skiis said nope. And the rock said "**HELLO**."

A/n

true experience.. of someone else..


	8. Terms

Duo and Heero are once again enjoying a lunch together at a nice little café.

Heero took on an exasperated (also slightly whiny) tone as he describes to Duo his day so far.

"Ugh. Relena tried to hit on me again today. I don't know what to do, I've tried everything to let her know I'm not interested. "

Duo had a weird glint in his eye as he responded with, "Heero, you know what I call this type of women? You know, the type you can't get rid of. "

Heero didn't like that tone of voice, nor does he trust that twinkle in his eyes.

"Is this going to be really tasteless? Am I going to be ashamed to be your friend?"

Duo laughs good naturedly, and then said seriously.

"There's a technical term. Just a harmless expression."

Still not trusting him, but knowing that there is no way around it, Heero gives in.

"Alright, tell me."

**"**Unflushable, because they keep bobbing around."

"Go Duo, just go. GO. Don't look back._ **GO**_"

Author's note:

Yep, this conversation was totally from "The coupling."

For those of you wondering about what happened to the flying cars" theme of this fic, don't worry, I have a chapter planned that, eventually I will not be too lazy to write, that is related to that theme. Until then please enjoy the seemingly inane chapters that I am producing.


	9. Silly Songs with Professor O

Author:  
Now it's time for silly songs with Professor O. The part of the show where Professor O comes out and sings a silly song. Our curtain opens as Professor O, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Professor O cries out...

Professor O:  
Oh, where is my hairbrush?  
Oh where is my hairbrush?  
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where,  
Oh, where, oh, where, oh, where, oh, where,  
Oh, where ... is my hairbrush?

Author:  
Having heard his cry, Doctor J enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Professor O in a towel, J regains his composure and reports ...

J:  
I think I saw a hairbrush back there!

Professor O:  
Back there is my hairbrush.  
Back there is my hairbrush.  
Back there, back there, oh, where, back there,  
Oh, where, oh, where, back there, back there,  
Back there ... is my hairbrush!

Author:  
Having heard his joyous proclamation, Wufei enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Professor O in a towel, Wufei regains his composure and comments ...

Wufei:  
Why do you need a hairbrush?  
You don't have any hair!

Author:  
Professor O is taken aback. The thought had never occured to him. No hair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his hairbrush? Professor O wonders ...

Professor O:  
No hair for my hairbrush.  
No hair for my hairbrush.  
No hair, no hair, no where, no hair,  
No hair, no hair, no where, back there,  
No hair ... for my hairbrush!

Author:  
Having heard his wonderings, Doctor G enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Professor O in a towel, G regains his composure and confesses ...

G:  
Professor O, that old hairbrush of yours ...  
Well, you never use it, you don't really need it.  
So, well, I'm sorry ... I didn't know.  
But I gave it to Duo - 'cause he's got hair!

Author:  
Feeling a deep sense of loss, Professor O stumbles back and laments...

Professor O:  
Not fair for my hairbrush.  
Not fair! My poor hairbrush.  
Not fair, not fair, no hair, not fair,  
No where, no hair, not fair, not fair,  
Not fair! My little hairbrush!

Author: Having heard his lament, Duo enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Professor O and Duo are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing Professor O's generosity, Duo is thankful ...

Duo:  
Thanks for the hairbrush.

Author:  
Yes, good has been done here. Duo exits the scene. Professor O smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the hairbrush, calls out ...

Professor O:  
Take care of my hairbrush.  
Take care, oh my hairbrush.  
Take care, take care, don't dare not care,  
Take care, nice hair, no fair, take care,  
Take care ... of my hairbrush.

Author: The end!

Words by Mike Nawrocki  
Music by Lisa Vischer & Kurt Heinecke  
© 1995 Bob and Larry Publishing (ASCAP)  
Administered by EMI CMG Publishing.  
Reprinted with Permission.

Ah… another heavily plagiarized piece by me. This one came from Veggie Tales.

Not a lot of people have bothered to spoof the professors (professor O is wufei's BALD trainer), so here you go…

Ok…. I KNOW… I promise the NEXT chapter will SOMEHOW relate to the title of this story.

So, um, please continue to read (even if you don't feel like reviewing), because I REALLY am having fun writing this fic.


	10. nai

So there they were, laying on the couch doing what any normal person would do on a Saturday morning.

Trowa and Quatre where… watching Saturday morning cartoons.

At least they were until Quatre's cell phone rang. Not a minute after Quatre ran out of the room to attempt to answer his cellphone, the home phone rang. Now, we all know how much Trowa loathes talking on the phone. It was absolute torture. The only thing worse than answering the phone, was for him not to answer it and Quatre finding out about it.

So, resigning himself to the phone conversation he made his way to the vidscreen.

When he turned it on, it was Heero Yuy.

Now let me tell you that the only person that hates talking on the phone more than Trowa is Heero Yuy.

So their conversation went something like this:

Heero stared at Trowa.

30 seconds later Trowa looks away and then looks back.

They stare.

Heero blinks.

They stare.

They stare some more.

Trowa blinks.

Heero looks a way.

They stare.

Heero opens his mouth "…" is all he says.

Trowa answers with a knowing smirk.

They stare.

So basically their entire five minute "conversation" was simply staring each other.

They were interrupted by sudden uproarious laughter in the background.

Heero finally smirks and says, " Duo told me to keep you company while he told Quatre a funny story. Yuy out." And then screen went dead.

Trowa blinked.

Then he went to find his lover, which was exceedingly easy because all he had to do was follow the sound of laughter. By the find he found him, Quatre was on the floor clutching at his stomach, with tears in his eyes from laughing so hard.

Trowa blinked again.

'I wonder what was so funny? Ah, well, I'm sure he'll tell me… when he can breathe again.'

With that foremost on his mind, he went to try to calm his lover enough so that he could at least breath properly.

A/N

Sounds like somebody just heard about "the café incident."

Hmm… I don't know if I like this chapter very much… Ah well, it preludes into the next chapter, which should also be the last chapter. But you never know… well not until its written and posted at anyrate.

On a completely different note:

So as many of us know, and others will figure out, college is a time when youngsters such as I get to perform some bizarre experiments in the name of living on our own for the very first time.

So let me share one that I just experienced a couple of minutes ago.

Yes, I was aware of how badly I had packed my pantry. Yes, I was aware of the sound of crashing one day last week as the items in my pantry gave in to the will of gravity. No, I didn't have time to even look at what had spilled for the last week. Having school work plus a part time job, plus my reading fanfiction addiction, I honestly didn't have time until today to check it out.

Apparently it WASN'T just the dishes that went crashing to the floor as I had thought, there was dish soap too. Dish soap that upon landing, decided to have the lid crack in half and has been slowly leaking out ever since (at least it wasn't that full to begin with.)

THAT wasn't even the bad part.

After I had removed the library book from close proximity (it was close, but didn't actually have dish soap on it.) I saw one of my black leather gloves just laying in it.

THAT wasn't the worst part.

The worst part was the black ooze coming out from the gloves.

So I washed my gloves (I know you aren't supposed to get leather wet, but it was an emergency… the only good news is that the soap didn't actually eat away at the leather, just kinda ate away at the dye.) I wiped up the floor to the best of my abilities.

NOW the only problem is, is the huge purple dye mark on my floor in the shape of a glove.

Ooops…

When I asked my hallmate about it, all she could she could come up with was to put more dish soap on it and hope that the soap will eat at the dye enough for me to clean it up.

Somehow I feel like I'm back at square one.

:sigh:


	11. Owari

Quatre took one look into his confused lover's eyes and knew that Trowa wouldn't understand WHY the conversation with Duo was so funny.

There was only one thing to do, educate him further.

Long story short:

Price of home theater- $3,000,000

Price of Clerks DVD – $30

Price of popcorn- $3

Price of soda - $1.50

The look on Trowa's face after

explaining that Duo managed

to have that exact conversation

with Heero at a local café-PRICELESS

I hope you have enjoyed reading this story, but for anything else there is always another fanfiction.

Owari.


End file.
